She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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