do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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