My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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