if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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