i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
