I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Terrible idea I love it
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
