At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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