Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
