Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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