onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Randomize
