bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He called his prostate his "boner button".
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
