No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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