Just fell off a train. Bad.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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