I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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