I want to walk on stilts...naked
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So much rum. So many feels.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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