I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize