Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
