Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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