just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize