Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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