the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
