first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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