mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
