The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
