I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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