She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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