My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
