it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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