i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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