Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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