Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
