Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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