Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
