My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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