clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
