But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
