There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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