Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
