Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Hippo gnu deer
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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