My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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