the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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