I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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