you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
