so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
