I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
