We're like a lot better than the average bears
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
