Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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