this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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