Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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