Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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