I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
