My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize