i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize