I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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