Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
