I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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