Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
