After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
