I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
