I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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