just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
