note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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