I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
